If I Had Only Known
by theflawintheplan
Summary: He was gone. Eric couldn't believe the sight before him. He could practically see Kyle's last moments as he tried to forget ever knowing an Eric Cartman. All because Eric was an idiot who couldn't show his true feelings to someone. Kyman. R/R please!


_Breathing hard, Kyle stumbled into his room as he clutched at his heart. He had just arrived home after another infamous fight with the equally infamous Eric T. Cartman. Except this time was different. This time, something colossal had started the fight and Cartman's eyes seemed a little more menacing and cutting than usual. Kyle knew that Kenny had given him a bad idea, had known that Stan would ultimately be right about true heartbreak and thought that the incident with Rebecca had shown him what pain was, but he was wrong. Pain was figuring out you were in love with your friend and enemy. Pain was going up to him and almost admitting your feelings when a particularly hurtful fight took place afterward. Pain was looking into a pair of eyes that you knew could never love you back, even in your wildest fantaises. Pain was the feeling of being shot countless times without dying, the prospect of facing someone that you'll never have the next day. Someone who would never show you true love, only true pain._

_So Kyle grabbed a shirt and wrapped it around his hand, walking into the adjacent bathroom. He frowned as he realized that the pain he felt at the moment could never be less than physical pain. And so he tossed the shirt back into the other room, turning to look at the orderliness before him. Kyle used to take pride in how his belongings were clean, neat, and always in their place. But now he hated how nothing he saw reflected the hurt and turmoil inside him. He proceeded to knock down shampoo bottles and expensive soaps, never ceasing until everything was haphazard and on the floor. Smiling deleriously, Kyle turned toward the bathroom mirror, gazing at the dirty, wet, maniacal face reflected. He punched in the glass, knowing now how to truly solve his problems. Grabbing a long sliver, Kyle stuck the sharpest end into his wrist and dragged the no-longer-clear object slowly and deliberately. After all, how much more pain could he endure after this? He knew it was selfish for him to do this, but he needed it to be done. Hopefully everyone else would understand. As his vision began to darken and as he slumped the floor with all his toiletries, a wonderful thought came to him._

_The pain was fading away as well...._

~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~

He was gone. Eric couldn't believe the sight before him. All the fights, all the mutual feelings for each other, everything came down to this. He could practically see Kyle's last moments as he lay there on the floor, trying to forget he ever knew an Eric Cartman. Eric couldn't blame him either. Yesterday, the Jew came up to him with a smile on his face and Eric said something stupid about his Jew-bitch of a mom, just like any other day. Kyle's eyes narrowed and they engaged in some not-so-original banter until Eric said, "I hate you Kyle, I wouldn't care if you died today." The pathetic daywalker ran off crying and Stan and Kenny told Eric why Kyle had been smiling as he came up to greet the neo-nazi. Realizing what he had done, Eric ran to the Jew's house to apologize without hurting his pride somehow. But he had been too late and now a carved rock stuck into the ground would forever remind him of what he had done.

They had decided to hold the funeral outside as they had done for Kenny when he had died of Sephilis and Stan was crying into his mother's shoulders, shamelessly shaking with grief. Pussy. Eric turned to look at the boy beside him, knowing he would be strong in the face of death, but Kenny's eyes were misty. "Kennah, don't be such a fag." The chubby boy hissed. Kenny glared at Eric viciously, catching the larger the two by surprise.

"You know, I've known you for many years-sixteen to be exact, and while I never expected you be loving and sweet at a funeral, I at least expected better of you." For some reason, Kenny's voice sounded as if he had taken off his hood on his new parka, when in actuality, he had pulled the strings to hide from the world until the ceremony was over.

"Ahem, Kennah, I don't, uh, why are you..." Eric tried to recover, but Kenny wouldn't give him the chance.

"Don't you understand? I know that while you may not have truly loved Kyle, you at least loved the fights the two of you had, and would do anything to save it. But Kyle's not me, Cartman! He's not just suddenly going to appear in homeroom, waiting for the insults to fly once more. He's gone and he is. _Never. Coming. Back._" He turned back toward Father Maxi to hear what he was saying about Kyle. Eric found that as hard as he tried, he couldn't understand a word the priest said until, "Kyle never specified who was to give his eulogy," here Mrs. Broflovski broke down into sobs, screaming at God for taking her beloved bubbe away. It sent chills through Eric's body, but he remained staring at the priest anyway, tyring to understand what was happening next. "Does anyone want to give his eulogy?"

Stan almost stood up, but before Eric knew it, he had beaten the Hippie-Fag into the aisle. Most people booed and someone even spit on the back of Eric's neck, but somehow he continued on to the front of the "congregation". He looked at Kyle rather than anyone else-they didn't deserve his attention, and began to explain his feelings toward the hot-tempered, redhaired, Jew boy.

"If I had only known a smile

Instead of feigned love and grins,

I would have never hurt you

Or caused your eyes to grow so dim.

"If I had only known a laugh

Instead of snide comments and sneers,

I would have never caused you pain

Or made you cry so many tears.

"How could you expect me to know

The feel of a loving embrace?

How could you expect me to know

The feel of a geniunely smiling face?

"If I had only known your love

Instead of your faked hate.

If I had only seen the signs

Or had known your awful fate.

"If I had only known your eyes

Wouldn't glare again at me,

I would've never broken your heart

And said I wasn't sorry.

"Why was I expected to feel

A kind word touching my black heart?

Why was I expected to feel

Your light chasing away the dark?

"If I had only known your hand

Would slip away from mine,

I never would have hated you

Or thought you were a waste of time.

"If I had only known your pain

Instead of seeing acidic eyes,

I would have never let you go

For you to vanish from my life.

"How could you expect me to see

Through all my tears and pain?

How could you expect me to see

I just needed to survive the rain?

How could you expect me to see

Something you hid inside a grin?

Had I seen, I would have held you tight

And I'd have never let go again."

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

A/N: Wrote the poem first, so I hate how the story portrays how Cartman felt about Kyle. Sorry for the crappiness, but here you go!


End file.
